Rules of the Universe and Roommates

Rule #1:

No matter how small the jar of capers looks on the shelf, after it falls and bounces off of your foot and smashes into pieces, it will contain an infinite amount of capers.

Rule #2:
Which you will never, ever be able to pick up completely because apparently they breed and multiply and form new prickly caper/glass shard hybrids.
Rule #3:
And, when you look for one of the seventeen different varieties of vacuum cleaners that have entered your house in the past month, you will find precisely ONE, which is as yet un-assembled and lying on various tables and chairs with no instruction booklet to be seen.Next, you will decide to write an informative note to your housemates, who are sleeping the peaceful and innocent sleep of the whiskey-sodden, because while you no longer particularly care if they injure themselves on stray razor-capers, you do still care about the dog.

Rule #4:

Except, of course, in the kind of home where caper bottles are balanced on mustard jars which are stacked on top of expired cans of tomato soup and where cleaning appliances serve primarily as paperweights for a weeks’ worth of newspapers, there is no such thing as paper.

There are, however, paper plates, of which it is necessary to use three in order to convey the needed information that:1. The jar broke
2. The contents have been cleaned up as well as can be expected with the vacuum cleaner in the state that it is not in
3. The dog should not be allowed to lick the delicious caper flavored floor due to the possibility of glass
4. But, the humans should feel free to do so
5. After which, they must vacuum the area and then
6. Remove all glass containers of food items from pantry and place them somewhere where they cannot be precariously balanced on stacks of things that are about to fall off of overstuffed shelves, and then,
7. They should also observe the kitchen counters and note the many glass items which are, as usual, located less than one inch from the edge.
8. They are then requested to ask themselves about the level of clumsiness that they possess, and how that and the laws of gravity could conspire together and cause more events that will necessitate more notes like this one.

By the time most people are my age, which is 46, they probably have a bad roommate story or two or five.

It’s just that usually, roommates like those are not also their 68 year old parents.

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