[This liveblogging event brought to you in progess]
[Date: Oct. 22. Time: Before lunch. Inquiries by members of committee presented in mostly chronological order, like that even fucking matters]
Rep Tammy “I WAS IN THE FUCKING MILITARY, BITCHES” Duckworth D-Illinois: “I was in the military. I served in the army. Did I mention that I was in the armed forces? I worry about the troops. Not my political career. I’m here for the troops, in the military, which is the armed forces, America, American, America.”
Hilary: “Well–”
T”IWINTFMB”D: ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY
——
Congressman Lynn Westmoreland R-Georgia :”Maddummmm Secritarrrrrry, Ahhh speeeek reealllllllll slowww.”
Hilary:”Lived in Arkansas. Married a hick. Got it.”
W: Didddd youuuuu reeaddd some stuffff? Anddddddddd
……..[moments pass]
How didddd you reeeead so many things beecaussse, whennn Ahhh reeeds, it takes me sooooo looong because Ah move my lips, and thayyy only mooooves at this speeed???
H: Yeah. You know I’ve told you all of this shit, right? And I will now explain things you already know, using more words in two minutes than you managed to spit out last week.
W: Exxxxxcuuuuuse me, Madaaammmmmm Speeeeeeeaaakkeerrrr
[representatives begin fainting in aisle. One reporter squeaks out something about Vogon poetry; dies]
Westmoreland [in ref. to the embassy]: Ahhhh ain’t sayying shuttt itt doww-un. Ah’s sayin’ pertect it!!! That thar is jes mah lil old opinyun, nowww, lett me interrrupt yeww a hole buncho taaahhhmes [ed.–“times”] becuz yew is sayin sum facts an Ah cant be havin’ that.
Hilary: [being revived by Huma via icewater poured over head] Seriously, dude, are you part Vogon?
W: Weren’t yewww friens with that thar dedddd homoambASSBACKDOOR??
[approving chuckles from Republicans, esp the ones currently trying to hide their gay romances]
H: Um. Why the hell are you all pretending you even thought he was a human being? Jesus Fucking Christ, you’re a bunch of dicks.
[Next committee member takes the floor]
Rep Mike Pompeo R-Kansas: “Didn’t you know that your team was doing some stuff in the place that I don’t know and by the way I totally have no idea what I am talking about so, why didn’t you fire people? Fire fire fire, that’s what I say back in Kansas! Of course, our state doesn’t have many people left to fire after Gov. Brownback turned us into a third world country. But I would fire all the people I could still fire, and then, I might fire them again from being fired!”
H: [unable to uncontort face]
P: “I’m gonna ask you some more stuff while being so condescending that it’s almost painful, smiling at you like you’re pretty slow, and now I’m going to show you my fancy chart I made, which this time we were totally careful to white out the name of whatever conspiracy theory website made it up”
H: “That’s a nice chart. Good job with taking WorldNet Daily’s logo off of it.”
Rep Linda Sanchez D-California: “I can’t fucking believe we are here right now taking part in this crap.”
H: “Tell me about it. How’s my hair looking, btw?”
L: “Great; it’s really hitting that balance between a power cut and windblown; looks like you’ve been running your fingers through it just enough to make you look totally serious. Shit, wait, I have to ask you a bunch more stuff that is actually less relevant than your hair, but these goddamn Republicans, what the hell is WRONG with them?”
H: “Totally. We have to do lunch once you guys all quit this committee.”
[to be continued after liveblogger gathers more sanity]
parenting guide for grown-ups 