Female Old(brightly): Guess what [another relative] showed me how to do?!
Me: How to serve meals that incorporate side dishes?
FO: Hahaha! Good one! No! She showed me how to use that Clist Lick thing!!
Me (to self: I never wanted the olds to become quite this accepting of lesbianity.): Uh. WHAT?
FO: You know! That Kroger thing! Where they put the groceries in your car!!
Me (momentarily relieved): OH. You mean CLICK LIST.
FO(cheerily, almost demonically so): Yes!! She showed me on the computer and everything!
Me: Oh she did, did she. Did she or [her husband] set it up for you on your phone?
FO: Oh, no! But now I understand how it works!!
Me: You do, do you? Did they at least download the Kroger app for you?
FO: App? What app?
Me: Shades of Young Frankenstein. THE KROGER APP WHICH IS HOW YOU USE CLICK LIST.
FO (leadingly): Oh! No, I haven’t set that up….YET!
Me: Nope.
FO: What? What does that mean?
Oldest Old: (starts laughing)
Me: No. I am not setting it up for you.
OO: (laughs harder)
FO: Oh, I wasn’t going to ask you! (giggles)
Me: You know how much I hate grocery shopping.
Both Olds: (descending into hysterical laughter)
Me: I mean, I really, REALLY fucking hate it!
BO: (laughter becomes outright guffaws interspersed with hoots of delight)
Me: I WOULD RATHER DO THE SHOPPING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAN HELP YOU SET UP ONE THING ON YOUR IPHONE, EVER. GODDAMMIT.
[Exeunt Me, to the gleeful hooting and hollering and shouts of delight of the Olds]
Yeah. I’ve been away for a while. But they’re getting Older. And Worse. And the world needs to know of my struggle.
parenting guide for grown-ups 