[still before lunch.]
Rep. Jim Jordan R-Ohio [of course]: “I totally know that Cairo and Benghazi are different places!! Yes!! Indeedy doo-dah!”
H: [tries to stay awake. scratches nose thoughtfully, probably to remove Jordan’s spittle]
J: “SUSAN RICE!!! HEY! YOU GUYS!! REMEMBER HER?? OMG we weren’t all pissy about her because of her race!! No way!! It was because, uh, well, okay, well let’s get back to you, Madam Secretary Poopyface!!”
H: “Yeah. Let’s go through this again. I’m going to repeat myself for the nine thousandth time. I’m also going to speak slowly, and try to stay awake. MY GOD, DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE HOBBIES??”
J: “You are totally a lying liar who lied and you lie and your pants are on fire and looky looky I have visual aids!! I am going to read aloud from them, TWICE, because that fills up more of my time, and I can only say “THE AMERICAN PEOPLE” like five more times before I get stuck and can’t stop screaming it until I’m physically sedated.”
H: “Yes, I had a real job where I did real stuff. I know that you have no idea what you are talking about, or probably most of the alphabet. Stop interrupting me, little man. I am getting HANGRY. Oh Jesus fucking christ, you’ve got more visual aids.
J: [combination of smug, accusatory, condescending attitudes] “YOU ARE A LYING LIAR NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!!! TERRORIST ATTACK!! GEORGE BUSH KEPT US SAFE YOU NASTY POO POO HEAD!!” TERRORIST TERRORIST TERRORIST!!”
[Representative Schiff, D-California, takes floor]
Rep Schiff: “Seriously. This is insane. Do you people know what I do with my time when not participating in this sideshow? I RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT GENOCIDE, FUCKERS. I do NOT need to be here, and don’t even sniff your pointy little nose in my direction, Gowdy, you smug little weasel elf. Everyone knows that this is all a huge waste of taxpayer time and money, and if you Republicans weren’t shitting your pants over Trump, we probably wouldn’t even be here today.”
H: “I know right??? God I can’t wait to debate that idiot. Huma is pretty sure she can blow dry my hair so that it looks just enough like Trump’s so that people will want to comment on it but will be afraid that they’ll be called out.”
S: “Dude, I cannot even believe that they are still doing this after Kevin McCarthy blew their cover. Speaking of him, WTF, Paul Ryan? Family time? What would Ayn Rand have said about that??”
H: “So awesome, though, because being Speaker means he will never, ever be president, but eventually slink back to Wisconsin, to ‘spend time with his family’ [laughs in background] while building a twenty foot statue of Ayn Rand out of ashes and his dreams.”
S: “So, ANYway. Oh, yeah, back to this travesty where the Republican party is basically dancing on your friend’s coffin while blaming you for his death and then afterwards they will vote to defund pretty much anything you might ever like in your life, because, and Dems, lets all say it together now, YOU ARE A LYING LIAR POOPYPANTS, Mommy!!” [laughs from Democrats. Epic of lower lips thrusting out among GOP]
Rep. Gowdy, R-South Carolina or possibly the North Pole
Rep Gowdy: [spitting a lot] [ranting] [goddamn, those ears, tho]
H: (when the fuck is lunch? There is only so much spittle I can absorb without food here)
TG: I am so outraged! OMG! Look at my eyes and how wide I can open them! Look, I tell you!! Then perhaps you guys will take me seriously even though I look like an elf!!
H: sigh. Here we go again. I mean, how many times can you ask me the same questions about the same shit, and yet still look yourself in the mirror and NOT see a ridiculous, pathetic little elf man trying to grasp onto a shred of relevance in the most misguided way possible?”
TG: [strikes a couple of poses. Ears still equally visible] “Fine, whatever, so, EMAIL. EMAIL EMAIL EMAIL oh wait no CABLES!! CABLES!!” [texts assistant on his flip phone asking how cables work and if there’s a clothesline pulley kind of thing involved]
Hey, let’s talk about emailing some more until I figure out what this cable thing is, because I don’t know if it’s like Netflix or Hulu or what!”
H: [trying not to laugh]. Ok. You know that I don’t do all of my work over email, right? Wait. You know that people in general don’t do all of their work over email, right? Like, when I was out of the country more than I was in it over my time as Secretary, did you just think I was doing like a wine tour or something?
TG: [confused. opens and closes mouth] Huh? Why would you have left the country? [warming up]
I SEE!! ITS BECAUSE YOU DO HATE AMERICA!! YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO STAY HERE, YOU JUST WANT TO JAUNT AROUND THE GLOBE SPREADING FEMINISM AND ABORTION AND PROBABLY DO SEX STUFF WITH PUTIN AND CONVERT TO ISLAM AND AND AND…..
H: Whoa. Take a pill, man. You know, they can fix those ears these days.