[the following contains mostly word for word transcriptions of tonight’s GOP debate. Transcriber admits that some statements may not be exactly as they were spoken but assures readers that the meaning has been properly captured in all cases]
Moderator: I am sorry to bother you, but Dr Carson, can I please ask you a couple of things? If it’s ok?
Ben Carson: [sighs heavily] FINE.
Moderator: I know that like, people have been really really super mean to you lately, but, like, are you doing alright?
Ben Carson: I find your questions really intrusive and ridiculous. After all, all of my friends say I am honest, EVEN the ones I’m not paying to work on my campaign!!
Moderator: Totally understand, thanks so much, would you like a warm towel and a foot massage?
Moderator: Mr. Trump, you’re a really great great businessman, with great great ideas.
Trump: People are saying I’m really great, and that’s great.
Moderator: I don’t really have a question for you. I just think you’re really really great, and terrific.
Trump: Great!
Jeb!: Wait. Can I talk yet?
Trump: No.
Jeb!: Sorry, my bad.
Mod: Mr. Rubio, can you talk about some stuff for a minute?
Marco: America America my dad’s a plumber America great country immigrants mostly suck except me, also my mom had a job and stuff, jesus christ does anyone have a sip of water?
Mod: Ms. Fiorina, if you are ok with it, we’d like to ask you how you feel about small businesses and stuff. If you have time, and like, it won’t make you mad
Carly: I am a businesswoman. Obamacare is the devil, and it needs to be repealed ASAP, just like I did with thousands and thousands of jobs at HP!
Mod: Um, are you really going—
Carly: I KNOW FROM BUSINESS, BITCHES!! I AM A BUSINESSLADY!! I FIRED THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE AND I EAT TRUMP’S BALLS FOR BREAKFAST!!! THREE PAGE TAX PLAN!!! SUCK MY FACE, YOU ORANGE HAIRED SON OF A BITCH, HOW BEAUTIFUL IS IT NOW, MOTHER FUCKER, I’M GONNA FIRE YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU WILL BEG M—
Mod: Ms Fiorina is being taken to the de-foaming room and will return after this commercial break.
Mod: Senator Paul, none of us have any idea how the fuck you made it onto this stage when Christie had to sit with Huckleberry and Foamy at the kid’s table.
Rand Paul: I am the only one up here with a valid Southern accent and a white supremacist heritage that’s supported by historical documents and not just rumor. Also, college kids like me because legalizing pot.
Mod: Excellent points. Talk about taxes or something, since you’re here anyway.
Mod: Jeb!, you can talk now. For a minute.
Jeb!: Did you clear it with Trump?
Mod: Dude, he is in the de-foaming room with Carly, spit it out while you can!!
Jeb!: Whoa. Uh, ok, um, Obamacare? Repeal it? My brother kept us safe….hold on, I gotta text my dad.
Mod: Welcome back to the stage, Mr. Trump. Jeb!, you’re done now.
Mod: Ok, you’ve all spoken on taxes except Kasich and let’s face it, our ratings cannot afford him speaking at the camera for another second.
Kasich: Hey! Hey! Why can’t I talk?? Why do you all hate me??
Carly: I’d have to even know who you are to hate you.
Trump: I don’t hate you, I think you’re a really great, great governor, but, you’d be a really stupid and terrible president.
Ben Carson: I’ve never hit you on the head with a hammer, so my friends will tell you that means you’re fine with me.
Rand Paul: You’re not my favorite, but I don’t hate you nearly as much as I hate that little bitch! Yeah, you, Marco, you little bitch!!
Marco: My father was a plumber, so I don’t hate you.
Ted Cruz: You’re not gay, are you? Because I felt like you were looking at my ass earlier.
Jeb!: I am displaying a lot of emotion about Syria right now. I have squared my shoulders and have a frowny face, and I am actually being kind of convincing about how horrible the situation is.
Trump: People, I have heard that Assad dude is NOT a great guy. No way. I have people on this, and they tell me that he is really, really stupid. Also, oil!! Oil is GREAT!!!
Jeb!: What the he–
Trump: IRAN!! ISIS!!! WE’VE GOT WOUNDED WARRIORS ALL OVER THE PLACE!! THESE PEOPLE ARE MISSING ARMS AND LEGS AND TOES AND EARS AND SOME OF THEM ARE JUST STUMPS!! THEY’RE JUST BIG STUMPS WITH HEADS On THEM!! STUPID ASSAD!!! ALSO THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF OBAMACARE!! IT’S REALLY REALLY STUPID AND TERRIBLE AND IT IS NOT GREAT!!!
Jeb!: I need that fucking massage chair right now.
Marco: Vladmir Putin is a G, a mother fucking G, y’all
Rand Paul: don’t even start with the fake southern accent, you little bitch
Marco: Hey, I’m from the south too, you know!!
Rand Paul: God, you are such a little BITCH
Marco: It’s hard out here for a senator, bless your little heart.
Mod: Governor Kasich, we’re going to ask you about China, because clearly we cannot ask Trump since he just went on a five minute diatribe about them and the TPP which was kind of awkward seeing as China isn’t even part of it
Kasich: Yeah, no shit.
Mod: There’s no need to get pissy about it; WE are not the ones who went off on a rant about how insane your party is the other day! You’re going to get yourself thrown out of the party if you keep talking about not kicking people with cancer off their health insurance and not letting old people starve to death, you know!!
Kasich: I know, I know. I really fucked up with the whole Medicaid expansion too.
Mod: Yes; you probably have thousands and thousands of Ohioans who are still alive since you did that, and those mother fuckers are going to go blue, you KNOW they are, they always do!!
Kasich: Shut up. Just shut UP WITH YOUR GOTCHA QUESTIONS, WILL YOU???
Mod: DEFOAMING TEAM: REMOVE THE GOVERNOR.
Mod: Senator Cruz, let me be clear–would you let Bank of America fail? Because that is some crazy shit you are saying there.
Cruz: I am on video saying that the president of the United States should be a man who starts every morning on his knees, and you think I’m worried that this is crazy?
Mod: ….
Cruz: I’d let that Bank fail! I’d let them ALL fail!! Hell, I’d let them fail and THEN I’d pour Ebola infected blood on all of the people trying to get their money out! That’s what I would do, mother fuckers!!!
Mod: ……..
Kasich: Damn. There is no way that I can compete with this shit. Next to Cruz I really am a damn socialist.
Cruz: I’D POUR EBOLA BLOOD ON THEIR HEADS AND I WOULD RUB THEIR LOST DOLLAR BILLS ALL OVER MY NAKED WRITHING BODY!! YES!! AND THEN I WOULD SCOOT AROUND ON MY KNEES PRAYING TO JESUS DRIBBLING BLOOD AND BITS OF CASH AND OH GOD I AM GOING TO THE DEFOAMING ROOM AREN’T I???
Mod: No. You’re going to have to go to the de-braining room. Dr. Carson will be in to see you shortly.
Closing Statements:
Rand Paul: Rubio is a little bitch
Kasich: zzzzzzz
Carly: I can beat Hillary Clinton. I will beat Hillary Clinton. I dream about beating Hillary Clinton. I beat Hillary Clinton in my dreams, usually with a riding crop with a silk handle, while wearing a leopard bodysuit and seven inch stilettos. Sometimes the bodysuit is black leather, and it’s a bullwhip. Sometimes, I use a cat o’–
Mod: THANK YOU, MRS FIORINA. THAT WILL BE ALL. YES, OF COURSE YOU CAN BE DEFOAMED AGAIN, JESUS CHRIST.
Cruz: Remember, I am of brown people heritage!
Marco: Hey, I am too, and also, my brown dad is a PLUMBER!!!! Also I have a website!!!! It is on MySpace!!!
[Rand Paul hisses “BITCH”]
Ben Carson: Lots of people died while we were talking, because they realized that I really am in first place and their brains just stopped working. I have that effect on brains.
Trump: I am very proud of my great company and I am great and I am so fucking rich as shit and it is GREAT, and Hillary Clinton is NOT GREAT and we will beat her, me and Carly, together, oh, we will SO beat–
Mod: OUT. JUST GET OUT.
parenting guide for grown-ups 