(Joined in progress; plus blogger too busy laughing at Senator Graham’s eye rolling for first ten minutes)
Moderator: Say something about Islam or whatever.
Santorum, aka Frothy: I want to make something clear about Islam, which is that absolutely nothing about religious freedom applies to it if I don’t like it.
Mike Huckabee, aka Huckleberry (since one of the Olds can never remember his actual name): Yeah! What he said!!
Senator Graham: Gentlemen, Ah no longer give any fucks whatsoever and so Ah might say something rational because there is no way that Ah can poll any worse. Also Ah am going to sigh and roll mah eyes a lot.
Pataki: blah blah words zzzzzzz boring zzzzzzzzz
Cute college student who is not asking a scripted question at all:
How are y’all gonna stop Isis??
Huckleberry: We are going to kill them and kill them until they are dead. And then we will kill them a whole bunch more and when they are deader than dead we will do it one more time to be sure.
Graham: Ah actually have a coherent plan. It probably won’t work but it is a plan and it doesn’t involve just praying and talking about Satan. Obviously it doesn’t matter, because the only reason Ah am still in this race is because no one wants to kick out the gay guy. Also, how in Jesus’s frilly panties did Ah end up among people who make me sound almost sane?
Bring me a mint julep, someone, and a well sculpted young man to fan me because Mama’s getting upset heah! Ah am fixin’ to expire!!
Frothy: [head snaps up at word Satan, involuntarily starts shouting] SATAN!! THEY CALL US GREAT SATAN!! THEY HATE US!! SATANSATANSATANSATANSATANSA–
Moderator: Christ, someone switch him off. Gov Pataki, please speak now so everyone stops vibrating with hate!!
Pataki: womp womp waa womp waa waa THANK YOU SOLDIER PEOPLE womp
Womp
Mod: That’s enough; my God we aren’t trying to lower anyone’s blood pressure so much that they pass out!! And Mr Graham!! People can SEE you making that face!!
Graham: Oh, whatEVah!! I am making some sense so I need to scream about hating Obama!! Ah hate him!! Ah hate him!! Oh Rhett, no Ah don’t!! Ah love yew!!
Ah will get you back!! At Tara!! Ah will go home to Tara!! After all, tomorrow is anothah day!!!!
Wolf: Ahem. Will someone please bring Senator Graham his smelling salts?? They’re over there in his purse. [Graham hisses: POCKETBOOK. In the South, we say POCKETBOOK! Damn Yankees!]
Wolf: Now, Gov Huckleberry, what about Assad? Should we side with Putin and keep him in power?
Huckleberry: I am so not answering that!! America is great and awesome and we need to steal all their toys and then we will be greater and more awesomer!!
Graham, [partially restored but still emotional]: I MISS DUBYA JESUS LORD AH MISS THAT LITTLE EEJIT!! Ah jest want him baaaack!! He would make everything so much better!! This has nothing to do with him being white!! Oh no!! AH JEST MISS HIM!!!
(Sobs)
Mod: PATAKI, QUICK, TALK!! I’M LOSING CONTROL OF THE ROOM!! I NEED PEOPLE TO FREEZE FOR A MINUTE WHILE WE WIPE OFF SENATOR GRAHAM’S TEARS!!
Pataki: womp womp womp wommmmp
Mod: Excuse me, Senator Santorum?? Why are you leaning as far to one side as possible?
Frothy: no reason
Mod: it is getting more obvious as the debate goes on, you know
Frothy: nuh uh. Is not.
Mod: Wait. Are you trying to get as far away from Senator Graham as possible?
Frothy: So?
Mod: ….why? The bourbon smell really isn’t that strong today.
Frothy: I don’t know what that smells like because I only drink alcohol that turns into Jesus Blood.
(screeches, leaps into air)
Mod: Senator Graham!!! Did you just poke Senator Santorum in the buttock??
Graham: I can if I want.
Frothy: HE KEEPS PUTTING GAY COOTIES ON ME!!!!!
Mod: Senator Santorum, the entire country associates you with anal sex and bestiality. Even Senator Graham can’t out-gay you.
Mod: This week the president announced that combat positions in the US Military will be open to women. Candidates, please share your thoughts on this, beginning with Senator Froth–I mean, Santorum.
Frothy: Women should be in the home and not on the battlefield!! Bitches need to be barefoot, pregnant, baking pies, praying, and hating sex!
Pataki: Dude. Think about what you are saying here.
Frothy:(agitated) What??? Women do not need to be out and about!! Their place is in the home and that is IT! In fact when they are allowed out WHICH THEY SHOULDN’T BE I think they should be forced to cover themselves up!! Yes!! Those Jezebels should drape themselves in black from head to toe with only their eyes showing! And if I see a wrist, then BAM, cut it off!! If I have to look at their long sinful ha–
Graham: Woah.
Pataki: Dude.
Huckleberry: YES!!! AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANY FEET PEEPING OUT, BITCHES!! OR WE WILL CUT THEM THE HELL
OFF TOO, YOU CESSPOOLS OF SIN!!
Graham: Ladies, if you want to kill terrorists, Ah will lace your corsets up mahself!! You go girls!!
Closing statements from the kid’s table:
Graham: make me president!!
Yeah I can’t say that without laughing either.
Pataki: 9-11 GLORY! USING MY 9-11 GLORY PASS!
Frothy: I can keep this country safe! As long as I don’t have to use those stupid women!
Huckleberry: The terrorists win unless we kill them and kill them and kill people we think might be them until they are dead.
parenting guide for grown-ups 