My New Years Resolutions for 2019
1. To write a list of New Years Resolutions that is reasonable and filled with efforts at personal growth and self care and not one that is just filled with utter lies and smartassery like mine usually are
2. To put it on my blog, which I never write for anymore, so that it looks like I am maybe reviving my blog
3. Revive blog. Number 3: DONE!
4. Okay, okay—here’s a real one—in 2019, I will be a nicer person.* I don’t know to who yet. No republicans, obv.
5. I will endeavor to do my own laundry most of the time and not continue to leave it languishing in the laundry room and then act shocked and crawlingly grateful when one of the Olds snaps “I put your goddamned laundry in the dryer again.”
6. I will not, however, stop making comments about how important it is for the elderly to stay active and engaged in daily life. Because that is true, whether we are talking about my laundry or not.
7. I will begin a new intensive workout program and remove all sugar, caffeine, dairy, meat, and beets from my diet.**
8. I will try to encourage the Olds to participate in activities that take place outside of the house, because one of them is retiring and he will be home all the damn time.
9. Assuming that number 8 does not work, I resolve to learn how to summon poltergeists to drive him out of the house regularly.
10. I will stop returning people’s cars with less than two gallons of gas left, unless, of course, it is raining on my way home.
11. I will take Goodwill items to Goodwill within one month of putting them in my car. So that I don’t have to borrow other people’s cars in the first place
12. I will stop hatewatching Chris Hayes every day, because it is not good for my blood pressure. This will also enable me to more completely ignore Michael Moore, which is necessary for my physical and mental health.
13. I will go back to lying every time someone asks me if I’ve watched a particular TV show and just say “Yes!! Isn’t it great?! I love it so much!! What’s your favorite thing/character/disturbing sex scene/horrific mass murder in it???” and then pretend I am getting an emergency text once it is my turn to contribute anything I might think about the show, and excuse myself ASAP. It is so much easier than explaining that of course I haven’t seen it because I watch only news, historical documentaries, and TV shows I have already seen at least a hundred times, and that furthermore, I have no intention of watching it, no matter what anyone says, especially if it has any connection to anything remotely related to science fiction or vampires
14. I will try not to judge others for their viewing habits, though.***
15. I will also not be openly judgmental of people who make and try to keep real New Years Resolutions. At least not til February.
*not all the time. Maybe once a week or month or just once. To see if I can.
**this is the “utter lies” part. Except for the beets.