December 31, 2018 · 11:27 pm

Number Three: DONE!!

My New Years Resolutions for 2019

1. To write a list of New Years Resolutions that is reasonable and filled with efforts at personal growth and self care and not one that is just filled with utter lies and smartassery like mine usually are
2. To put it on my blog, which I never write for anymore, so that it looks like I am maybe reviving my blog
3. Revive blog. Number 3: DONE!
4. Okay, okay—here’s a real one—in 2019, I will be a nicer person.* I don’t know to who yet. No republicans, obv.
5. I will endeavor to do my own laundry most of the time and not continue to leave it languishing in the laundry room and then act shocked and crawlingly grateful when one of the Olds snaps “I put your goddamned laundry in the dryer again.”
6. I will not, however, stop making comments about how important it is for the elderly to stay active and engaged in daily life. Because that is true, whether we are talking about my laundry or not.
7. I will begin a new intensive workout program and remove all sugar, caffeine, dairy, meat, and beets from my diet.**
8. I will try to encourage the Olds to participate in activities that take place outside of the house, because one of them is retiring and he will be home all the damn time.
9. Assuming that number 8 does not work, I resolve to learn how to summon poltergeists to drive him out of the house regularly.
10. I will stop returning people’s cars with less than two gallons of gas left, unless, of course, it is raining on my way home.
11. I will take Goodwill items to Goodwill within one month of putting them in my car. So that I don’t have to borrow other people’s cars in the first place
12. I will stop hatewatching Chris Hayes every day, because it is not good for my blood pressure. This will also enable me to more completely ignore Michael Moore, which is necessary for my physical and mental health.
13. I will go back to lying every time someone asks me if I’ve watched a particular TV show and just say “Yes!! Isn’t it great?! I love it so much!! What’s your favorite thing/character/disturbing sex scene/horrific mass murder in it???” and then pretend I am getting an emergency text once it is my turn to contribute anything I might think about the show, and excuse myself ASAP. It is so much easier than explaining that of course I haven’t seen it because I watch only news, historical documentaries, and TV shows I have already seen at least a hundred times, and that furthermore, I have no intention of watching it, no matter what anyone says, especially if it has any connection to anything remotely related to science fiction or vampires
14. I will try not to judge others for their viewing habits, though.***
15. I will also not be openly judgmental of people who make and try to keep real New Years Resolutions. At least not til February.

*not all the time. Maybe once a week or month or just once. To see if I can.

**this is the “utter lies” part. Except for the beets.

***the smartassery

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

September 4, 2018 · 12:06 pm

Older and more annoying

Female Old(brightly): Guess what [another relative] showed me how to do?!

Me: How to serve meals that incorporate side dishes?

FO: Hahaha! Good one! No! She showed me how to use that Clist Lick thing!!

Me (to self: I never wanted the olds to become quite this accepting of lesbianity.): Uh. WHAT?

FO: You know! That Kroger thing! Where they put the groceries in your car!!

Me (momentarily relieved): OH. You mean CLICK  LIST.

FO(cheerily, almost demonically so): Yes!!  She showed me on the computer and everything!

Me: Oh she did, did she. Did she or [her husband] set it up for you on your phone?

FO: Oh, no! But now I understand how it works!!

Me: You do, do you? Did they at least download the Kroger app for you?

FO: App? What app?

Me: Shades of Young Frankenstein.  THE KROGER APP WHICH IS HOW YOU USE CLICK LIST.

FO (leadingly): Oh! No, I haven’t set that up….YET!

Me: Nope.

FO: What? What does that mean?

Oldest Old: (starts laughing)

Me: No. I am not setting it up for you.

OO: (laughs harder)

FO: Oh, I wasn’t going to ask you! (giggles)

Me: You know how much I hate grocery shopping.

Both Olds: (descending into hysterical laughter)

Me: I mean, I really, REALLY fucking hate it!

BO: (laughter becomes outright guffaws interspersed with hoots of delight)

Me: I WOULD RATHER DO THE SHOPPING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAN HELP YOU SET UP ONE THING ON YOUR IPHONE, EVER. GODDAMMIT.

[Exeunt Me, to the gleeful hooting and hollering and shouts of delight of the Olds]

Yeah. I’ve been away for a while. But they’re getting Older. And Worse. And the world needs to know of my struggle.

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

December 16, 2015 · 1:22 am

The children’s table: GOP Debate

(Joined in progress; plus blogger too busy laughing at Senator Graham’s eye rolling for first ten minutes)

Moderator: Say something about Islam or whatever.

Santorum, aka Frothy: I want to make something clear about Islam, which is that absolutely nothing about religious freedom applies to it if I don’t like it.
Mike Huckabee, aka Huckleberry (since one of the Olds can never remember his actual name): Yeah! What he said!!

Senator Graham: Gentlemen, Ah no longer give any fucks whatsoever and so Ah might say something rational because there is no way that Ah can poll any worse. Also Ah am going to sigh and roll mah eyes a lot.

Pataki: blah blah words zzzzzzz boring zzzzzzzzz

 

Cute college student who is not asking a scripted question at all:
How are y’all gonna stop Isis??
Huckleberry: We are going to kill them and kill them until they are dead. And then we will kill them a whole bunch more and when they are deader than dead we will do it one more time to be sure.

Graham: Ah actually have a coherent plan. It probably won’t work but it is a plan and it doesn’t involve just praying and talking about Satan.  Obviously it doesn’t matter, because the only reason Ah am still in this race is because no one wants to kick out the gay guy. Also, how in Jesus’s frilly panties did Ah end up among people who make me sound almost sane?
Bring me a mint julep, someone, and a well sculpted young man to fan me because Mama’s getting upset heah! Ah am fixin’ to expire!!

Frothy: [head snaps up at word Satan, involuntarily starts shouting] SATAN!!  THEY CALL US GREAT SATAN!! THEY HATE US!! SATANSATANSATANSATANSATANSA–

Moderator: Christ, someone switch him off. Gov Pataki, please speak now so everyone stops vibrating with hate!!

Pataki: womp womp waa womp waa waa THANK YOU SOLDIER PEOPLE womp
Womp

Mod: That’s enough; my God we aren’t trying to lower anyone’s blood pressure so much that they pass out!!  And Mr Graham!! People can SEE you making that face!!

Graham: Oh, whatEVah!!  I am making some sense so I need to scream about hating Obama!! Ah hate him!! Ah hate him!! Oh Rhett, no Ah don’t!! Ah love yew!!
Ah will get you back!! At Tara!!  Ah will go home to Tara!! After all, tomorrow is anothah day!!!!

Wolf: Ahem. Will someone please bring Senator Graham his smelling salts??  They’re over there in his purse.  [Graham hisses: POCKETBOOK. In the South, we say POCKETBOOK! Damn Yankees!]

Wolf: Now, Gov Huckleberry, what about Assad? Should we side with Putin and keep him in power?

Huckleberry: I am so not answering that!! America is great and awesome and we need to steal all their toys and then we will be greater and more awesomer!!

Graham, [partially restored but still emotional]: I MISS DUBYA JESUS LORD AH MISS THAT LITTLE EEJIT!! Ah jest want him baaaack!! He would make everything so much better!! This has nothing to do with him being white!! Oh no!! AH JEST MISS HIM!!!
(Sobs)

Mod: PATAKI, QUICK, TALK!! I’M LOSING CONTROL OF THE ROOM!! I NEED PEOPLE TO FREEZE FOR A MINUTE WHILE WE WIPE OFF SENATOR GRAHAM’S TEARS!!

Pataki: womp womp womp wommmmp

 

Mod: Excuse me, Senator Santorum??  Why are you leaning as far to one side as possible?
Frothy: no reason
Mod: it is getting more obvious as the debate goes on, you know
Frothy: nuh uh. Is not.
Mod: Wait. Are you trying to get as far away from Senator Graham as possible?
Frothy: So?
Mod: ….why? The bourbon smell really isn’t that strong today.
Frothy:  I don’t know what that smells like because I only drink alcohol that turns into Jesus Blood.
(screeches, leaps into air)
Mod: Senator Graham!!! Did you just poke Senator Santorum in the buttock??
Graham: I can if I want.
Frothy: HE KEEPS PUTTING GAY COOTIES ON ME!!!!!
Mod: Senator Santorum, the entire country associates you with anal sex and bestiality. Even Senator Graham can’t out-gay you.

Mod: This week the president announced that combat positions in the US Military will be open to women. Candidates, please share your thoughts on this, beginning with Senator Froth–I mean, Santorum.

Frothy: Women should be in the home and not on the battlefield!! Bitches need to be barefoot, pregnant, baking pies, praying, and hating sex!
Pataki: Dude. Think about what you are saying here.
Frothy:(agitated) What??? Women do not need to be out and about!! Their place is in the home and that is IT! In fact when they are allowed out WHICH THEY SHOULDN’T BE I think they should be forced to cover themselves up!! Yes!! Those Jezebels should drape themselves in black from head to toe with only their eyes showing! And if I see a wrist, then BAM, cut it off!! If I have to look at their long sinful ha–
Graham: Woah.
Pataki: Dude.
Huckleberry: YES!!! AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANY FEET PEEPING OUT, BITCHES!! OR WE WILL CUT THEM THE HELL
OFF TOO, YOU CESSPOOLS OF SIN!!

Graham: Ladies, if you want to kill terrorists, Ah will lace your corsets up mahself!! You go girls!!

Closing statements from the kid’s table:
Graham: make me president!!
Yeah I can’t say that without laughing either.
Pataki: 9-11 GLORY! USING MY 9-11 GLORY PASS!
Frothy: I can keep this country safe! As long as I don’t have to use those stupid women!
Huckleberry: The terrorists win unless we kill them and kill them and kill people we think might be them until they are dead.

Leave a comment

Filed under politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 11, 2015 · 12:29 am

THE DE-FOAMING ROOM: a summary of tonight’s GOP debate

[the following contains mostly word for word transcriptions of tonight’s GOP debate. Transcriber admits that some statements may not be exactly as they were spoken but assures readers that the meaning has been properly captured in all cases]

Moderator: I am sorry to bother you, but Dr Carson, can I please ask you a couple of things? If it’s ok?
Ben Carson: [sighs heavily] FINE.
Moderator: I know that like, people have been really really super mean to you lately, but, like, are you doing alright?
Ben Carson: I find your questions really intrusive and ridiculous. After all, all of my friends say I am honest, EVEN the ones I’m not paying to work on my campaign!!
Moderator: Totally understand, thanks so much, would you like a warm towel and a foot massage?

Moderator: Mr. Trump, you’re a really great great businessman, with great great ideas.
Trump: People are saying I’m really great, and that’s great.
Moderator: I don’t really have a question for you. I just think you’re really really great, and terrific.
Trump: Great!

Jeb!: Wait. Can I talk yet?
Trump: No.
Jeb!: Sorry, my bad.

Mod: Mr. Rubio, can you talk about some stuff for a minute?
Marco: America America my dad’s a plumber America great country immigrants mostly suck except me, also my mom had a job and stuff, jesus christ does anyone have a sip of water?

Mod: Ms. Fiorina, if you are ok with it, we’d like to ask you how you feel about small businesses and stuff. If you have time, and like, it won’t make you mad
Carly: I am a businesswoman. Obamacare is the devil, and it needs to be repealed ASAP, just like I did with thousands and thousands of jobs at HP!
Mod: Um, are you really going—
Carly: I KNOW FROM BUSINESS, BITCHES!! I AM A BUSINESSLADY!! I FIRED THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE AND I EAT TRUMP’S BALLS FOR BREAKFAST!!! THREE PAGE TAX PLAN!!! SUCK MY FACE, YOU ORANGE HAIRED SON OF A BITCH, HOW BEAUTIFUL IS IT NOW, MOTHER FUCKER, I’M GONNA FIRE YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU WILL BEG M—

Mod: Ms Fiorina is being taken to the de-foaming room and will return after this commercial break.

Mod: Senator Paul, none of us have any idea how the fuck you made it onto this stage when Christie had to sit with Huckleberry and Foamy at the kid’s table.
Rand Paul: I am the only one up here with a valid Southern accent and a white supremacist heritage that’s supported by historical documents and not just rumor. Also, college kids like me because legalizing pot.
Mod: Excellent points. Talk about taxes or something, since you’re here anyway.

Mod: Jeb!, you can talk now. For a minute.
Jeb!: Did you clear it with Trump?
Mod: Dude, he is in the de-foaming room with Carly, spit it out while you can!!
Jeb!: Whoa. Uh, ok, um, Obamacare? Repeal it? My brother kept us safe….hold on, I gotta text my dad.
Mod: Welcome back to the stage, Mr. Trump. Jeb!, you’re done now.

Mod: Ok, you’ve all spoken on taxes except Kasich and let’s face it, our ratings cannot afford him speaking at the camera for another second.
Kasich: Hey! Hey! Why can’t I talk?? Why do you all hate me??
Carly: I’d have to even know who you are to hate you.
Trump: I don’t hate you, I think you’re a really great, great governor, but, you’d be a really stupid and terrible president.
Ben Carson: I’ve never hit you on the head with a hammer, so my friends will tell you that means you’re fine with me.
Rand Paul: You’re not my favorite, but I don’t hate you nearly as much as I hate that little bitch! Yeah, you, Marco, you little bitch!!
Marco: My father was a plumber, so I don’t hate you.
Ted Cruz: You’re not gay, are you? Because I felt like you were looking at my ass earlier.

Mod: Dr. Carson, we’d like to give you some time here to discuss the evils of Islam.
Ben Carson: Nooooo problem!! Ok, so, there is this place called the Middle East and it has some countries like Iran and Syria and stuff. And, those people don’t believe in Jesus so they are all disgusting heathens, and, we should kill them and kill them all until they are dead! Yippeeeee!!
Mod: Thank you so much for your time, Dr. Carson. The massage chair is free now and we have a selection of fine herbal teas for you to chose from if you wish.

Jeb!: I am displaying a lot of emotion about Syria right now. I have squared my shoulders and have a frowny face, and I am actually being kind of convincing about how horrible the situation is.
Trump: People, I have heard that Assad dude is NOT a great guy. No way. I have people on this, and they tell me that he is really, really stupid. Also, oil!! Oil is GREAT!!!
Jeb!: What the he–
Trump: IRAN!! ISIS!!! WE’VE GOT WOUNDED WARRIORS ALL OVER THE PLACE!! THESE PEOPLE ARE MISSING ARMS AND LEGS AND TOES AND EARS AND SOME OF THEM ARE JUST STUMPS!! THEY’RE JUST BIG STUMPS WITH HEADS On THEM!! STUPID ASSAD!!! ALSO THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF OBAMACARE!! IT’S REALLY REALLY STUPID AND TERRIBLE AND IT IS NOT GREAT!!!
Jeb!: I need that fucking massage chair right now.

Marco: Vladmir Putin is a G, a mother fucking G, y’all
Rand Paul: don’t even start with the fake southern accent, you little bitch
Marco: Hey, I’m from the south too, you know!!
Rand Paul: God, you are such a little BITCH
Marco: It’s hard out here for a senator, bless your little heart.

Mod: Governor Kasich, we’re going to ask you about China, because clearly we cannot ask Trump since he just went on a five minute diatribe about them and the TPP which was kind of awkward seeing as China isn’t even part of it
Kasich: Yeah, no shit.
Mod: There’s no need to get pissy about it; WE are not the ones who went off on a rant about how insane your party is the other day! You’re going to get yourself thrown out of the party if you keep talking about not kicking people with cancer off their health insurance and not letting old people starve to death, you know!!
Kasich: I know, I know. I really fucked up with the whole Medicaid expansion too.
Mod: Yes; you probably have thousands and thousands of Ohioans who are still alive since you did that, and those mother fuckers are going to go blue, you KNOW they are, they always do!!
Kasich: Shut up. Just shut UP WITH YOUR GOTCHA QUESTIONS, WILL YOU???
Mod: DEFOAMING TEAM: REMOVE THE GOVERNOR.

Mod: Senator Cruz, let me be clear–would you let Bank of America fail? Because that is some crazy shit you are saying there.
Cruz: I am on video saying that the president of the United States should be a man who starts every morning on his knees, and you think I’m worried that this is crazy?
Mod:  ….
Cruz: I’d let that Bank fail! I’d let them ALL fail!! Hell, I’d let them fail and THEN I’d pour Ebola infected blood on all of the people trying to get their money out! That’s what I would do, mother fuckers!!!
Mod: ……..
Kasich: Damn. There is no way that I can compete with this shit. Next to Cruz I really am a damn socialist.
Cruz: I’D POUR EBOLA BLOOD ON THEIR HEADS AND I WOULD RUB THEIR LOST DOLLAR BILLS ALL OVER MY NAKED WRITHING BODY!! YES!! AND THEN I WOULD SCOOT AROUND ON MY KNEES PRAYING TO JESUS DRIBBLING BLOOD AND BITS OF CASH AND OH GOD I AM GOING TO THE DEFOAMING ROOM AREN’T I???
Mod: No. You’re going to have to go to the de-braining room. Dr. Carson will be in to see you shortly.

Closing Statements:
Rand Paul: Rubio is a little bitch
Kasich: zzzzzzz
Carly: I can beat Hillary Clinton. I will beat Hillary Clinton. I dream about beating Hillary Clinton. I beat Hillary Clinton in my dreams, usually with a riding crop with a silk handle, while wearing a leopard bodysuit and seven inch stilettos. Sometimes the bodysuit is black leather, and it’s a bullwhip. Sometimes, I use a cat o’–
Mod: THANK YOU, MRS FIORINA. THAT WILL BE ALL. YES, OF COURSE YOU CAN BE DEFOAMED AGAIN, JESUS CHRIST.
Cruz: Remember, I am of brown people heritage!
Marco: Hey, I am too, and also, my brown dad is a PLUMBER!!!! Also I have a website!!!! It is on MySpace!!!
[Rand Paul hisses “BITCH”]
Ben Carson: Lots of people died while we were talking, because they realized that I really am in first place and their brains just stopped working. I have that effect on brains.
Trump: I am very proud of my great company and I am great and I am so fucking rich as shit and it is GREAT, and Hillary Clinton is NOT GREAT and we will beat her, me and Carly, together, oh, we will SO beat–
Mod: OUT. JUST GET OUT.

Leave a comment

Filed under politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

October 22, 2015 · 11:13 pm

Mean Girls, part 5.

REPRESENTATIVE ELIJAH CUMMINGS TAKES THE FLOOR, BITCHES.

Rep. Cummings: Being a US Ambassador is an honor and a duty and fuck you motherfuckers all to hell for putting on this shitshow. You all need to FIND MORE TO DO.

Find a hobby. Learn to knit. Join a book club. Put up a bird feeder. ANYTHING. You people have too much free time on your hands. Maybe you should all get part time jobs.
Besides this one, I mean.
I yield back to you, Mr Chairman, because I can’t even.

GowdyElf: Birdfeeders?????AS IF.  Oh great, what’s next, free egg daycare? Socialized bird medicine?? I am NOT going to be responsible for creating a class of dependent bird freeloaders!
(wave of approving noises from other bird hating members of GOP)

GowdyElf: Okay it is totally late and I am gonna need to amp this shit up here.
Lie lie lie lie lying liars and lied yes I am totally lying my pointy little ass ears off and whoa listen I am raising my weedy little voice! I am outraged and stuff!! Goddammit I have got to get these ears fixed!!

H: You are such a mess, little weasel man.

GE: EEEEMAAIILLLLL!!!!!!!

H: Oh Jesus LORD. Where is Bernie? I am asking him to be my VP right now and his main duty is just going to be screaming about how sick everyone is of my email.

GElf: email email emailish emailtastic hey what is that are you passing notes, bitch? Waaaaa waaaaaa baby talking to her fancy lawyers waaaa

H: do you even know how government works????

GElf: I AM TELLING ON YOU.
*cries*

H: oooooooh. I sure am scared, Weaselface.

[adjourned]

Leave a comment

Filed under Benghazibenghazibenghazi, politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

October 22, 2015 · 10:57 pm

American Shitshow: The Evening. [part four of a series that has at least four parts so far]

[Blogger took 6 hours off for important social reasons. Apparently no progress made. Liveblogging that is not live continued]

Rep Susan Brooks, R-Indiana(oh, great) has the floor.

Brooks:  WAIVER WAIVER WAIVER!!  Things! Yelling!! Hey hey hey I wanted to tell you something cool!! Benghazi is in Libya!I Yes! Representative Pompeo told me at lunch, after we ate our graham crackers and had a nap! So cool!

Hilary: Great. Congrats.

Brooks: RED CROSS!! DANGER DANGER—

H: Will Robinson?

Brooks: I AM MAKING A POINT HERE! LIBYA! LIBYA!!

H: Sorry.

Brooks: Did you know this gay ambassador guy that got killed?? Huh huh huh didja didja huh huh whatsamatter catgotyertongue?? Nanny nanny boo boo don’t you know about warsies and shooty stuff and why did you send this person someplace dangerous because right BEFORE nap, I found out that Libya [enunciating very clearly and proudly] is DANGEROUS!!!

H: Sigh. Did you know we have ambassadors in lots of other countries? No. Wait. Do you know what an ambassador even is???

Brooks: [blank expression] I cede my time because I need another graham cracker.

 [Rep Sanchez takes the floor again]

Rep. Sanchez: I cannot even understand how the hell it is almost 8pm and we are still here.

Hil: No shit. Hair check?

S: Perf. Okay, let me apologize for the total timewasting dickishness of the republicans on this committee yet again.

H: You could have totally just left out “on this committee”.

S: I know right?

H: Ok, ask me some stuff that is not rooted in GOP wet dreams and fantasy

S: First I’m gonna apologize again some more, though. I mean, people from other countries can see this shit.

H: No prob; knock yourself out.

H: Huma, where the fuck is my wine? It is WAY after 5pm.

[Rep Martha Roby, R-Alabama, takes the floor]

Rep Roby: So were you alone that night? Totally alone? Like, were there maybe some really small semi lesbians in your bedroom or anything?

H: Well, Bill sure as fuck wasn’t there. [Laughs]

Roby: Why are you laughing???? You think this is FUNNY? MY father invented TOASTER STRUDEL, bitch!

H: I’m sure he did, dear.

R: YOU CAN’T WEAR GOLD HOOPS! NOT EVEN WHITE GOLD HOOPS!!
THEY ARE TOTALLY NOT FETCH ON YOU!!!!!

H: Stop trying to make fetch happen, Rep. Roby. Now, tell Trey Gowdy that his hair looks sexy pushed back.

[Rep Pompeo again, for fuck’s sake]

Rep Pompeo : I need to re-ask you the same shit I asked you like 9 hours ago, capiche?

Hil: Jesus Christ. I repeat, do none of you have any hobbies? Interests? NETFLIX??

P: Whatever. Why didn’t you predict this attack? It already happened and then it happened again and why didn’t you know it already? And there were like hours and stuff happening and then there were guns and Imma throw in a Kansas and a Jesus reference.

H: Dude. You are short circuiting.

P: Defund planned obamacarehood.

H: Whoa, this is like the Stepford Wives.

P: [intern makes adjustment at Rep Pompeo’s circuit board] WHOOOOPEEEEEE!!!!

[intern makes another adjustment]

P: Okay. Yeah. I’m back.

H: Oh, goody.

P: Why didn’t you shoot all the things because the only way a bad Benghazi with a gun can be stopped is by a good Bengha—wait. Wrong cliche. INTERN!

[more adjustments made]

H: Can I ask the Rep a question?

[permission granted]

H: Are you battery powered or do you have a charging station?

Leave a comment

Filed under Benghazibenghazibenghazi, politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

October 22, 2015 · 10:35 pm

Part three of “American Politics: The Stupiding”

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay shit is going to get REAL now.

Trey Gowdy:Fuck. Where is Darrell Issa when we need him?

EC: YOUNG MAN, SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I AM DONE PLAYING WITH YOU ALL. WE ARE ALL DONE PLAYING HERE.

TG: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee [ears quivering in terror]

EC: I AM NOT EVEN HAVING THIS SHIT.

TG: uh, well, I can totally raise my voice too and stuff but it is way harder bc I’m trying to make shit up at the same time

[EC receives a note: probably from Hilary, and probably reading “KICK ASS, DUDE!! YESSSSS!”]

TG: Blah and blah and blah and let me let my voice go up and down and stuff–

EC: [EPIC FUCKING SIDE EYE]

TG: *cries*

[adjourned for lunch]

Leave a comment

Filed under Benghazibenghazibenghazi, politics

Tagged as , ,

October 22, 2015 · 9:38 pm

Liveblog [that is not actually live now] of Benghazi Horror Show, part 2

[still before lunch.]

Rep. Jim Jordan R-Ohio [of course]: “I totally know that Cairo and Benghazi are different places!! Yes!! Indeedy doo-dah!”

H: [tries to stay awake. scratches nose thoughtfully, probably to remove Jordan’s spittle]

J: “SUSAN RICE!!! HEY! YOU GUYS!! REMEMBER HER?? OMG we weren’t all pissy about her because of her race!! No way!! It was because, uh, well, okay, well let’s get back to you, Madam Secretary Poopyface!!”

H: “Yeah. Let’s go through this again. I’m going to repeat myself for the nine thousandth time. I’m also going to speak slowly, and try to stay awake. MY GOD, DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE HOBBIES??”

J: “You are totally a lying liar who lied and you lie and your pants are on fire and looky looky I have visual aids!! I am going to read aloud from them, TWICE, because that fills up more of my time, and I can only say “THE AMERICAN PEOPLE” like five more times before I get stuck and can’t stop screaming it until I’m physically sedated.”

H: “Yes, I had a real job where I did real stuff. I know that you have no idea what you are talking about, or probably most of the alphabet.  Stop interrupting me, little man. I am getting HANGRY.  Oh Jesus fucking christ, you’ve got more visual aids.

J: [combination of smug, accusatory, condescending attitudes] “YOU ARE A LYING LIAR NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!!! TERRORIST ATTACK!! GEORGE BUSH KEPT US SAFE YOU NASTY POO POO HEAD!!” TERRORIST TERRORIST TERRORIST!!”

H: ………

[Representative Schiff, D-California, takes floor]

Rep Schiff: “Seriously. This is insane. Do you people know what I do with my time when not participating in this sideshow?  I RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT GENOCIDE, FUCKERS.  I do NOT need to be here, and don’t even sniff your pointy little nose in my direction, Gowdy, you smug little weasel elf.  Everyone knows that this is all a huge waste of taxpayer time and money, and if you Republicans weren’t shitting your pants over Trump, we probably wouldn’t even be here today.”

H: “I know right??? God I can’t wait to debate that idiot. Huma is pretty sure she can blow dry my hair so that it looks just enough like Trump’s so that people will want to comment on it but will be afraid that they’ll be called out.”

S: “Dude, I cannot even believe that they are still doing this after Kevin McCarthy blew their cover. Speaking of him, WTF, Paul Ryan? Family time? What would Ayn Rand have said about that??”

H: “So awesome, though, because being Speaker means he will never, ever be president, but eventually slink back to Wisconsin, to ‘spend time with his family’ [laughs in background] while building a twenty foot statue of Ayn Rand out of ashes and his dreams.”

S: “So, ANYway. Oh, yeah, back to this travesty where the Republican party is basically dancing on your friend’s coffin while blaming you for his death and then afterwards they will vote to defund pretty much anything you might ever like in your life, because, and Dems, lets all say it together now, YOU ARE A LYING LIAR POOPYPANTS, Mommy!!” [laughs from Democrats. Epic of lower lips thrusting out among GOP]

Rep. Gowdy, R-South Carolina or possibly the North Pole

Rep Gowdy: [spitting a lot] [ranting] [goddamn, those ears, tho]
H: (when the fuck is lunch? There is only so much spittle I can absorb without food here)

TG: I am so outraged! OMG! Look at my eyes and how wide I can open them! Look, I tell you!! Then perhaps you guys will take me seriously even though I look like an elf!!
H: sigh. Here we go again. I mean, how many times can you ask me the same questions about the same shit, and yet still look yourself in the mirror and NOT see a ridiculous, pathetic little elf man trying to grasp onto a shred of relevance in the most misguided way possible?”

TG: [strikes a couple of poses. Ears still equally visible] “Fine, whatever, so, EMAIL. EMAIL EMAIL EMAIL oh wait no CABLES!! CABLES!!” [texts assistant on his flip phone asking how cables work and if there’s a clothesline pulley kind of thing involved]
Hey, let’s talk about emailing some more until I figure out what this cable thing is, because I don’t know if it’s like Netflix or Hulu or what!”

H: [trying not to laugh]. Ok. You know that I don’t do all of my work over email, right? Wait. You know that people in general don’t do all of their work over email, right? Like, when I was out of the country more than I was in it over my time as Secretary, did you just think I was doing like a wine tour or something?

TG: [confused. opens and closes mouth] Huh? Why would you have left the country? [warming up]
I SEE!! ITS BECAUSE YOU DO HATE AMERICA!! YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO STAY HERE, YOU JUST WANT TO JAUNT AROUND THE GLOBE SPREADING FEMINISM AND ABORTION AND PROBABLY DO SEX STUFF WITH PUTIN AND CONVERT TO ISLAM AND AND AND…..

H: Whoa. Take a pill, man. You know, they can fix those ears these days.

Leave a comment

Filed under Benghazibenghazibenghazi, politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

October 22, 2015 · 7:44 pm

Liveblog of Benghazi Committee Travesty, Because Someone Has To, And Most People Won’t Say “Fuck” Enough

[This liveblogging event brought to you in progess]

[Date: Oct. 22. Time: Before lunch. Inquiries by members of committee presented in mostly chronological order, like that even fucking matters]

Rep Tammy “I WAS IN THE FUCKING MILITARY, BITCHES” Duckworth D-Illinois: “I was in the military. I served in the army. Did I mention that I was in the armed forces? I worry about the troops. Not my political career. I’m here for the troops, in the military, which is the armed forces, America, American, America.”
Hilary: “Well–”
T”IWINTFMB”D: ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY
——
Congressman Lynn Westmoreland R-Georgia :”Maddummmm Secritarrrrrry, Ahhh speeeek reealllllllll slowww.”

Hilary:”Lived in Arkansas. Married a hick. Got it.”

W: Didddd youuuuu reeaddd some stuffff? Anddddddddd
……..[moments pass]
How didddd you reeeead so many things beecaussse, whennn Ahhh reeeds, it takes me sooooo looong because Ah move my lips, and thayyy only mooooves at this speeed???
H: Yeah. You know I’ve told you all of this shit, right? And I will now explain things you already know, using more words in two minutes than you managed to spit out last week.
W: Exxxxxcuuuuuse me, Madaaammmmmm Speeeeeeeaaakkeerrrr
[representatives begin fainting in aisle. One reporter squeaks out something about Vogon poetry; dies]

Westmoreland [in ref. to the embassy]: Ahhhh ain’t sayying shuttt itt doww-un. Ah’s sayin’ pertect it!!! That thar is jes mah lil old opinyun, nowww, lett me interrrupt yeww a hole buncho taaahhhmes [ed.–“times”] becuz yew is sayin sum facts an Ah cant be havin’ that.
Hilary: [being revived by Huma via icewater poured over head] Seriously, dude, are you part Vogon?
W: Weren’t yewww friens with that thar dedddd homoambASSBACKDOOR??
[approving chuckles from Republicans, esp the ones currently trying to hide their gay romances]
H: Um. Why the hell are you all pretending you even thought he was a human being? Jesus Fucking Christ, you’re a bunch of dicks.

[Next committee member takes the floor]

Rep Mike Pompeo R-Kansas: “Didn’t you know that your team was doing some stuff in the place that I don’t know and by the way I totally have no idea what I am talking about so, why didn’t you fire people? Fire fire fire, that’s what I say back in Kansas! Of course, our state doesn’t have many people left to fire after Gov. Brownback turned us into a third world country. But I would fire all the people I could still fire, and then, I might fire them again from being fired!”

H: [unable to uncontort face]

P: “I’m gonna ask you some more stuff while being so condescending that it’s almost painful, smiling at you like you’re pretty slow, and now I’m going to show you my fancy chart I made, which this time we were totally careful to white out the name of whatever conspiracy theory website made it up”

H: “That’s a nice chart. Good job with taking WorldNet Daily’s logo off of it.”

Rep Linda Sanchez D-California: “I can’t fucking believe we are here right now taking part in this crap.”

H: “Tell me about it. How’s my hair looking, btw?”

L: “Great; it’s really hitting that balance between a power cut and windblown; looks like you’ve been running your fingers through it just enough to make you look totally serious. Shit, wait, I have to ask you a bunch more stuff that is actually less relevant than your hair, but these goddamn Republicans, what the hell is WRONG with them?”

H: “Totally. We have to do lunch once you guys all quit this committee.”

[to be continued after liveblogger gathers more sanity]

Leave a comment

Filed under Benghazibenghazibenghazi, politics

August 20, 2015 · 9:25 pm

Team McUseless Again

[Important background information:  One of the Olds and I greet each other by shouting “HI” followed by the person’s name as LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE EVERY SINGLE TIME ONE OF US COMES INTO A ROOM. IT IS FUNNY. Ish. Was probably funnier when we had only been doing it for like two days instead of a month, but, whatever. The purpose of the game is to scare and/or annoy one another; anyone else [i.e., the other Old] in the general area who is annoyed is a bonus.]
Time: This morning
Place: Living room
Players: Olds,  me
Old #1: I need to speak to the two of you about something.

(Old #2 and I exchange glances of trepidation)

Me: What?  I’m sure it’s Dad’s fault, not mine.

Old #1: No, it is BOTH of you.  It is about your noise level.

Old #2 [shouting even tho is 5 feet away]: WHAT??  WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT NOISE??? WHAT???

Me: [laugh laugh laugh]

Old #2: [laugh laugh laugh]

Old #2 and me: [laugh laugh laugh] WHAT?? WHAT??  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?! [laughs]

Old #1: THE YELLING HAS TO STOP.  AT LEAST AT NIGHT. YOU WOKE ME UP LAST NIGHT!!

Me: What yelling?

Old #2: We don’t yell. What are you talking about?

Me: Last night? I wasn’t even up here.

2: No, she wasn’t

Me: Except that one time

2: Oh right,when I asked you to put the dog out.

Me: Maybe that was the yelling?

2: I don’t think so. Why would I raise my voice? I was right in the same room.

Me: I know.  We’re not deaf. Maybe mom is just too sensitive. And the dog could hear us.

2: I have no idea what your mother is talking about.
Me: Me either. What were we even saying?

1: [can barely speak bc totally suffused with fury] when. you. say. HI. It is TOO. LOUD.

2, Me: [confused, innocent, wide eyed looks] What? Huh? We can’t say hi now?
1: [no words. pure anger. shoulders and ears level with one another]
Me: I just don’t know how us, speaking in normal voices, could bother you all the way upstairs! [nods from #2] I know! Did you have your c-pap on?

1: [barely forced out] nooooo. maybe not.

Me: Oh! Well then! See!!  No WONDER you woke up!

2: That isn’t OUR fault!

Me: NOT AT ALL!!!

2: You weren’t sleeping soundly then! Actually, you weren’t even REALLY asleep yet!

Me: Right!!! Also, the noise of it wasn’t covering up other sounds; usually the machine running blocks out noise!

2: True! So, if the machine wasn’t running, and you weren’t even asleep, then, why are you making us feel so bad??
Me: Also, it isn’t my fault that you sleep with the door open!

2: No, why should we be punished for that?

[neglecting to remember that he doesn’t close it either]

Me: AND: did you turn the fan on? Sometimes you forget to turn the fan on, and then, with the door open and no c-pap on, well—I just can’t see how this can possibly be our fault!

2: You could have turned on the fan!  Yes!

Me: Also, you could have gotten the one from Laura’s room AND turned that one on, couldn’t you?
2: Exactly! Two fans would have solved this whole issue!
Me: Did you have the fan on or not???

1: no. i didn’t. [white with rage. no visible neck. hair seems floaty as though might be standing oddly away from scalp]

2 and Me: WELL!! SEEE!!! WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT??  THIS ISN’T OUR FAULT!!! WHY MUST YOU RUIN OUR FUN EVERY TIME WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO SLEEP IN A WAY THAT’S CONVENIENT FOR US?!

[continuing on in this manner shouting over each other in a fearsome crescendo]
Old #1: never. mind.
Me, Old 2 exchange satisfied looks, nod, praise dog for jumping on Old 1, and ask Old 1 when she’s going to make us some more damn coffee.

Leave a comment

Filed under home life, olds

Tagged as , , , , ,